Bagpipe Jokes

Top 42 Bagpipe Jokes - Funny!

Top 42 Bagpipe Jokes (ed. note: most seem to be recycled lawyer jokes with a bagpipe filter)

• Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
  A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
  
• Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
  A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
  
• Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
  A. Shoot one.
  
• Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
  A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
  
• Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
  A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
  
• Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
  A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
  
• Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
  A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
  
• Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
  A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
  
• Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
  A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
  
• Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
  A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
  
• Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
  A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
  
• Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
  A. Gifted.
  
• Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
  A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
  
• Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
  
• Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
  
• Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
  A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
  
• Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
  A. Add vibrato.
  
• Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
  
• Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
  A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
  
• Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
  A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
  
• Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
  A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
  
• Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
  A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
  
• Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
  A. A bagpiper.
  
• Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
  A. Drool.
  
• Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
  A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
  
• Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
  A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
  
• Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
  A. Someone is blowing into it.
  
• Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
  A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
  
• Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
  A. Their personalities.
  
• Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
  A. No one knows when to come in.
  
• Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
  A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
  
• Q. If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.
  
• Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
  A. A start.
  
• Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
  A. Who cares?
  
• Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
  A. To get away from the sound.
  
• Q. How late does the bagpipe band play?
  A.Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.
  
• Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
  A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
  
• Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
  A. Shoes and socks.
  
• Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
  A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
  
• BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS
  
  Drum Major:
  Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
  Faster than a speeding bullet
  More powerful than a locomotive
  Walks on Water
  Talks to God
  
  Pipers:
  Leaps small buildings with a run-up
  Is a crack shot
  Pulls railway carriages
  Fords rivers
  Listens to god
  
  Side Drummers:
  Vaults over fences
  Is allowed his own sidearm
  Can read a railway timetable
  Knows how to put on fishing gollashes
  Believes in God
  
  Tenor Drummers:
  Can open and walk through a door
  Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun
  Has his own train set
  Wears Wellington boots
  Talks to himself
  
  Bass Drummers:
  Trips over matchsticks
  Is NEVER allowed near firearms
  Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
  Plays in puddles
  Nobody listens to him
  
  and finally.
  
  THE PIPE MAJOR:
  Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
  Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
  Kicks locomotives off their tracks
  Drinks entire oceans
  He IS GOD!!!!
  
• Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
  A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
  
• Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
  A. The frog might be getting a gig.